Puppy dog!

Listen kid, let me tell you how it is.

When you are young and cute they let you get away with anything. Jumping on furniture, licking people. I've seen it with me, and now I see it with you.

But then you get older and they start to care about stuff they never cared about before...like your hair on their black pants and your breath in the morning.

Soon they get a new model and you mean NOTHING. Nothing. Mark my words kid, some day you to will be barking for attention and begging to be let out every five minutes, just to get some alone time with one of them.

And they'll just think you have old kidneys.

Grandma's coming! Grandma's coming!

Poor Miss Eva was the one spitting up in the night...poor dear! Nothing awful but she was PISSED! Until, of course, she was safely snuggled up by my side in bed. Then she was SLEEPY.

Here's something about motherhood: as I hung my head in the toilet at four am my first thought was not how much I hate puking as it has always been. No, my first thought was what if this is food poisoning and Eva has it.

Luckily for once in my life the "puke and you'll feel better" theory actually was true. I feel close to fine this morning. Which is a good thing, because the idea of feeling sick enough to stay home but still having to be MOMMY was more than I could bear as I raced to the bathroom in the wee hours.

Come home now Billy.

Dip for dinner after book club dip eating is not recommended. I can still feel the mayo and (fat free) sour cream working through my spleen, or wherever.

Miss E is still boogering and still coughing but she's sleeping better.

And her Dad may be home a day later than planned. Not because of walrus tusk processing and registration, but because this weeks trip started today and not yesterday.

I've been trying to Make An Effort. You know, actually put some product in my hair, wear shoes with heels (instead on Danskos everyday), dress semi-professionally. And I think it's working. This, along with the weight loss, is making me feel a little better about myself. Because my self-image since becoming a mom is at an all time low...probably because so much of my life has been tied to my body since April of last year. When you are pregnant its ALL about the body and how much you've gained and how big you look and how you feel and so on. Then, the nursing business, which I've written about before. Team that with how you feel physically when sleep deprived and you've got a match made in hell. I've been in mourning lately for the body I never really enjoyed when I had it. I used to brush off compliments, and was never that comfortable showing off my assets, as it were. And now I wish I had revelled in that hot bod! So I need to start being happier with the one I have now, which gets better everyday. I just wish I could shrink my belly skin the way you shrink a sweater...If I could take a hot shower and then hit my tummy with the blowdryer and make it tight again, that would be awesome.

This was me a year ago.

I'm experiencing the Mother Guilt. It's usually work guilt I feel, so this is different, but no better. The Junior Miss whacked her lip on an activity center at A.'s this morning and since there was blood (!) A. called me. She also mentioned that Eva's tooth is a little loose. The fact that her own daughter had a similarly loosened tooth back when she was a pup and didn't lose the chomper doesn't make me feel better. I am imagining a future of a grey, dead tooth, or an empty spot in the smile til the adult tooth comes in, or her losing the tooth in the night, breathing it in, and choking. None of these things are likely to happen. In fact, Eva is probaby back to happy happy already. But not me. Several co-workers said, "Just go, if you are worried!" Ah, but then I would feel the work guilt. So either way I feel like shit. Curses.

I am now officially 31 damn years old! I celebrated by baking bread, buying pumpkins, talking to Bill, and pulling my hair out over a daughter who just won't sleep through the night.

Yeah. So the last few weeks we have been working on getting her sleep on her own. Sort of. I was rubbing her back and shushing until i could sneak out of the room. Finally, I was just deperate. So I let her cry. This was admittedly against my better judgement. But you know what? It worked. Of course you know, it probably worked for you! And once I saw it working I immediately gave up feeling bad or like I was a less "attached" mama. So for a week she slept through, basically, or fell back asleep on her own in a minute or two. But now, we're back to howling in the night. And I have no clue what to do! I can bring her into bed with me, but Bill is home soon and there's just not room for the three of us and I LIKE having just us in the bed a whole whole lot. (even more than I like her with us, which I adore.) So now what? Please weigh in! I don't care if you did cry it out or co-slept, I just want to know what worked for you. Because last night's scenario (12:30 cry and rub back, by 12:45 no more crying, 1:30 inconsolable crying, into bed with me, by 1:50 standing next to my head, banging the headboard and screaming at the dog, by 1:55 crying after sharp words from me threatening return to crib, by 2:05 snoozing cuddled up to me, at 7:05 awake an hour later than needed) did not work.


In other news, this is Eva's new favorite animal. She is a champion Alpaca caller. she squacks and they come trotting over. God bless us if she asks for one for Christmas.

And also, there is snow all over the mountains behind my house.

And also also, I made and maintained a damn fine wood stove fire this weekend: the furnace did not come on once!

How did I become such a jerk?

Example:
Two co-workers are discussing ordering Chinese food in the hall outside my office.
Co-worker A: I hate calling those places! They should just get some one who speaks English to take orders.
Co-worker B: Just to take orders?
Me (yelling from my office): They should outsource it to India!

Example:
Two co-workers are discussing an independent film by a semi-local filmmaker that has been shown locally at schools and such. They are in the copy room.
Co-worker A: I am going to see "Disappearances"
Co-worker B: Oh, will the director be there? I saw him when I went. It's Wes Craven.
Me (yelling from my office): Um. It's RAY Craven. I'm pretty sure the Horror film director WES Craven is not from Vermont!
The Internet: Yeah, smartypants, that would be JAY Craven.

Example
A co-worker is talking about the South Dakota abortion ban.
Co-worker: It would ban all abortions!
Me (not yelling from my office but still basically being a jerk because who the fuck defends the SD AB Ban?): Well, actually, there is a limited life exception.

Seriously, I am such a bossy-know-it-all. And a buttinski. If I weren't so funny, smart AND good-looking, everyone would hate me.

Lost 1.45lbs. And the pants are TWO sizes smaller than the ones I was wearing a month ago...of course these are a little tight and another style in this size I could not zip, but whatever.

Still waiting on my money. I want my money!

I'm hopefully NOT still waiting on my propane. They left me a message yesterday saying they were coming today, so here's hoping!

At least I look like a real professional person for once today! Pants and heels AND a necklace. Can you STAND it?

I've been wearing a pedometer every day for the last week and a half. I check it obsessively and find myself counting steps from my desk to the copier, from the microwave to the bathroom, from the baby's crib to the refrigerator. Every time it matches with my pedometers reading, but some days I feel like the little plastic ticker to lying to me. How could I have only walked 3 miles last Sunday? That walk was not only .894 miles! LIAR! I read that I should be walking 10,000 steps a day but it only occured to me today, after a week and a half of pedometing, that maybe I should keep track from day to day. Since 7am? 7,095 steps and that included an exercise walk at lunchtime.

Here's a picture from back when Eva's grampy and suzy were in town and we rode the train...isn't it romantic?

What a wonderful fall weekend!

Miss Eva's grandma came, bearing gifts, of course! For Eva, cutest outfits ever in 12 month sizes. And they fit! She gets weighed on Friday, so we shall see! For ME for my BIRTHDAY EEEEE! a mei tai, which is also kind for Eva too...she rode around in it all day at the Shelburne Museum, both on my front and on my back.

We went to Shelburne with my aunt Marty. We last saw her back in July at Point au Roche, so Eva's changes were quite impressive to her. We went to see the Georgia O'Keefe exhibit, but my favorite ended up being the Tasha Tudor exhibit...AND I got Eva her very own Tasha Tudor ADVENT CALENDAR!!! (One of the two we had growing up was in the exhibit...)

On Sunday we walked and shopped and lunched. My mom bought me two pairs of pants and a couple of sweaters and I got a pair of sexy ankle boots.

Then we all collapsed at home!

Friday Night Lights, people. I never thought I would say this, but a show about football seems posed to overtake Lost as my number one. Damn. Did you watch it? Having lived in Texas I can tell you that it really means that much to people. The best single moment in the pilot? When the star QB gets hurt and the stadium become silent. Cut to fans holding crosed fingers above there heads. Just perfect. Watch it. Thank you.

But I did remind me of the time when A. and I, new to Austin went for beers at Posse East and got stuck in a moment of Texas-jingoism as every person in the bar rose, lifted the hook 'em horns overhead and sang out "The eyes of Texas are upon you..." Creepy.

Deep breaths.

Apparently I am getting a real check on Friday. My bank's routing number changed and so now there will be this one week while the change goes through that I can't get it deposited. Fine. Except my bank isn't local and I have to send my check to them. And it take a few days to go through and I have a $60 cushion in my checking account this pay period because of stupid property taxes and car insurance being due this month. Therefore I now have to make a seperate trip to the other bank where we have our savings and pull out a bunch of money so I can pay the sitter, and get groceries and all that...Yes, I have savings but this a huge pain in my ass.

1.05 loss this week. I would like to step up the rate to a consistent 1.5 pounds per week, so I could a whole nine pounds slimmer than when Bill left upon his return. When he left I had a vague idea, but not plan, to lose 10 pounds while he was gone. It will probably be closer to six or seven, but that's better than nothing!

Today Billy turns 44 and he's probably celebrating by catching fish and shooting birds, which makes him happy happy happy. I miss the big lug.

The boook club ladies and had made plans to walk around Mirror Lake last night, but by the time I got home it was time to leave and there was no time to eat (not a big deal for me, but Miss E doesn't skip meals.) So I called K. and said I wouldn't be there and she said she wasn't going to go either and then L. called and said she couldn't. Last night around 10 I realized that E. had talked about coming too and I hadn't called her! I suck! So, E. if you were there, we are very sorry!

Look ma! No hands!

I can't tell you how hard the free standing Eva is to capture with a camera! I have about ten pictures with just an arm, or leg, or foot in the frame. This was on Saturday, and she spent all morning practicing and all afternoon crawling in the grass and pulling up weeds at John Brown's farm. Yesterday she put even more heart into practice, standing and sitting and generally flinging herself about in the pack and play. Everytime I tried to get her to play on the floor she'd hustle back to the p and p and try to figure out how to get in. I think it makes her feel secure, because she was very hesitant to try standing alone out in the big bad world.

We also had a great time crawling through and under the coffee table, and getting acquainted with the GAH!!! (That's Eva for Dog.)