Numbers and Days and Surprising Disappointment
It's amazing how your emotions can go through such extraordinary changes in a few short days...
Late last week I started to get strange cramps, strange because they felt like premenstrual cramps but I had just had some bleeding the week before, which was timed perfectly to be my period. Then my face started breaking out in a phenomenal way. Both things happened the last two times I was pregnant. So I finally sucked it up, and even though the timing of it made no sense, had a pregnancy test done. Very handy, working in family planning. But it took forever for my coworker to come in with results. Which I knew were positive. And they were...faintly. Very faintly. So faintly in fact that she showed it to another nurse who guessed it was leftover hcg from my post-Eva pregnancy, which ended over two months ago. So the timeline was a little longer than usual, but...Then how to explain my cramps, and the acne, oh and the incredible hair loss I am experiencing? So the options were wait two weeks and test again, or get a blood test. Since Bill leaves in less than two weeks, I went for the blood test. Those results? The best description would be faint. Not negative, but not awesomely positive. If I ovulated during that bleeding (bizarre) it could be a slow start. So she ordered a retest for today. And I went from "no way can I have another yet" on Monday afternoon to "I am so excited to have another BABY!" this morning. But alas, the results of the second beta indicate a no go (they are supposed to at least double and mine went from 22 to 18.) So here I am both disappointed and relieved that I can spend now through April wait til I am really ready to conceive again, instead of waiting to give birth. But let me tell you, as soon as April rolls around, I will be working like a dog to get pregnant. (bad choice of words, perhaps...)
The only question that remains is this: was that leftover hormone from my terminated pregnancy? Or was I pregnant in July and miscarried? Or am I miscarrying now? It's hard to know, and I don't really want to think too hard about it.
All I know is that I love my family and my thoughts of having just one are now gone.
Late last week I started to get strange cramps, strange because they felt like premenstrual cramps but I had just had some bleeding the week before, which was timed perfectly to be my period. Then my face started breaking out in a phenomenal way. Both things happened the last two times I was pregnant. So I finally sucked it up, and even though the timing of it made no sense, had a pregnancy test done. Very handy, working in family planning. But it took forever for my coworker to come in with results. Which I knew were positive. And they were...faintly. Very faintly. So faintly in fact that she showed it to another nurse who guessed it was leftover hcg from my post-Eva pregnancy, which ended over two months ago. So the timeline was a little longer than usual, but...Then how to explain my cramps, and the acne, oh and the incredible hair loss I am experiencing? So the options were wait two weeks and test again, or get a blood test. Since Bill leaves in less than two weeks, I went for the blood test. Those results? The best description would be faint. Not negative, but not awesomely positive. If I ovulated during that bleeding (bizarre) it could be a slow start. So she ordered a retest for today. And I went from "no way can I have another yet" on Monday afternoon to "I am so excited to have another BABY!" this morning. But alas, the results of the second beta indicate a no go (they are supposed to at least double and mine went from 22 to 18.) So here I am both disappointed and relieved that I can spend now through April wait til I am really ready to conceive again, instead of waiting to give birth. But let me tell you, as soon as April rolls around, I will be working like a dog to get pregnant. (bad choice of words, perhaps...)
The only question that remains is this: was that leftover hormone from my terminated pregnancy? Or was I pregnant in July and miscarried? Or am I miscarrying now? It's hard to know, and I don't really want to think too hard about it.
All I know is that I love my family and my thoughts of having just one are now gone.
posted by Martha at 12:53 PM
3 Comments:
I am really sorry for whatever this is that's happening - it really is sort of baffling, timing-wise. And I'm sorry that you've had to go through so much of this kind of thing the last several months.
It does sound like - if there was ever something to clarify whether you wanted to have another baby at all or soon, this has done that for you! So that's excellent.
Take care of yourself.
Oh my! I'm here if you need me. I do have to admit...the working like a dog comment made me smirk. Just a little though.
I'm sorry about all of the ups and downs you've been through of late. I hope that you get some clarity on what's going on soon. I can imagine being disappointed that you aren't pregnant even if you weren't ready to be again, and I'm glad that you are feeling excited looking forward to baby #2. Take care.
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