Let's talk about breastfeeding. It's only appropriate as I sit here on a pump break, trying to squeeze out an ounce.
I never had any doubt that I would nurse Miss Eva. I looked forward to it and, when I was pregnant, I could imagine that even when I could not stretch my mind enough to picture anything else after her birth. And then she arrived. And my milk did not.
We waited eight days for my milk to come in. Sure, there was a trickle by day five, but not much more than a swallow or two. The second night in the hospital was agony. She would stay latched on for an hour, or she would not latch on at all. She would SCREAM in anger, or I would sweat in pain. When, in the middle of the night, a nurse asked to supplement her I said yes. And when she left I felt like an utter failure as a mom, and felt more alone and lonely than I ever have in my life. I cried for hours on end, abandoning the sleep that supplementing was supposedly getting me.
By the time my milk came in she had lost more than a pound and a half and refused to poop. then, finally, I heard swallowing. Success! But I never was engorged and I hardly ever leaked, which worried me. We did okay for a while after that, until I started to try pumping and my meager output made me doubt my supply all over again. When I went back to work and she was home with Bill I managed to get about half her consumption pumped (five ounces or so...) But as she grew, I fell behind. Then she started to get distracted. Then I got pregnant again. My supply basically disappeared and I went from being able to pump six ounces in two or three sessions to less than half that. I started giving her a bottle at bedtime, before I nursed, to get her to settle enough to nurse and then sleep. After I underwent a medical abortion, my milk returned a little, but not like it was. After a few weeks, I was doing better, then my power supply for my pump died and I was reduced to pumping once a day at work in the car, driving around. Then vacation last week, where she went on a nursing strike (too many distractions!)
I had imagined we would nurse til she's three. But now, we are down to once in the morning. Once when I get home. Once at bed time. And once in the night. I try and pump at least twice, but I get two ounces, maybe. (In the twenty minutes to write this...less than an ounce.)
I am frustrated and angry and disappointed. I am defensive about breastfeeding and jealous of women I see doing it with success. I want to quit and I want to keep going. I am afraid of getting pregnant again, and I am nervous about the mini-pill but am more afraid of losing the small amount of milk I have left if I go on a combo pill. I feel like the fact that Miss E is low on the weight chart is all my fault, because I don't pump enough, because I am too selfish to want to spend hours wrestling her to drink, because I got pregnant, because I supplement formula, because I don't devote enough time to drinking water and taking supplements, because I went back to work, because I let them supplement at the hospital, because I had nothing for her for that first week.
And I set myself up for this, I think. I have always been pro-breastfeeding, and never imagined anything but. And I was set up a little, too. Because my personal culture (not the mainstream one) is full of friends, and web forums, and magazines and heallthcare providers that are pro-breastfeeding and anti-formula. And so people I respect are telling me, indirectly, that because E gets formula, she's getting second best. And what mom let's her baby have second best? Me. I guess.
And that, my friends, is why I hate my boobs, and myself, a little. Sigh.
I never had any doubt that I would nurse Miss Eva. I looked forward to it and, when I was pregnant, I could imagine that even when I could not stretch my mind enough to picture anything else after her birth. And then she arrived. And my milk did not.
We waited eight days for my milk to come in. Sure, there was a trickle by day five, but not much more than a swallow or two. The second night in the hospital was agony. She would stay latched on for an hour, or she would not latch on at all. She would SCREAM in anger, or I would sweat in pain. When, in the middle of the night, a nurse asked to supplement her I said yes. And when she left I felt like an utter failure as a mom, and felt more alone and lonely than I ever have in my life. I cried for hours on end, abandoning the sleep that supplementing was supposedly getting me.
By the time my milk came in she had lost more than a pound and a half and refused to poop. then, finally, I heard swallowing. Success! But I never was engorged and I hardly ever leaked, which worried me. We did okay for a while after that, until I started to try pumping and my meager output made me doubt my supply all over again. When I went back to work and she was home with Bill I managed to get about half her consumption pumped (five ounces or so...) But as she grew, I fell behind. Then she started to get distracted. Then I got pregnant again. My supply basically disappeared and I went from being able to pump six ounces in two or three sessions to less than half that. I started giving her a bottle at bedtime, before I nursed, to get her to settle enough to nurse and then sleep. After I underwent a medical abortion, my milk returned a little, but not like it was. After a few weeks, I was doing better, then my power supply for my pump died and I was reduced to pumping once a day at work in the car, driving around. Then vacation last week, where she went on a nursing strike (too many distractions!)
I had imagined we would nurse til she's three. But now, we are down to once in the morning. Once when I get home. Once at bed time. And once in the night. I try and pump at least twice, but I get two ounces, maybe. (In the twenty minutes to write this...less than an ounce.)
I am frustrated and angry and disappointed. I am defensive about breastfeeding and jealous of women I see doing it with success. I want to quit and I want to keep going. I am afraid of getting pregnant again, and I am nervous about the mini-pill but am more afraid of losing the small amount of milk I have left if I go on a combo pill. I feel like the fact that Miss E is low on the weight chart is all my fault, because I don't pump enough, because I am too selfish to want to spend hours wrestling her to drink, because I got pregnant, because I supplement formula, because I don't devote enough time to drinking water and taking supplements, because I went back to work, because I let them supplement at the hospital, because I had nothing for her for that first week.
And I set myself up for this, I think. I have always been pro-breastfeeding, and never imagined anything but. And I was set up a little, too. Because my personal culture (not the mainstream one) is full of friends, and web forums, and magazines and heallthcare providers that are pro-breastfeeding and anti-formula. And so people I respect are telling me, indirectly, that because E gets formula, she's getting second best. And what mom let's her baby have second best? Me. I guess.
And that, my friends, is why I hate my boobs, and myself, a little. Sigh.
posted by Martha at 7:33 AM
4 Comments:
Holy crap, M. You have had quite a road of it. Try to give yourself a bit of a break (crap assvice, I know). You are a wonderful, loving mom and you did and are doing what is best for Ms. E.
Hey Martha, it's Vicky's friend Amy. I can tell you I am going through such a smiliar issue, Nolan is slowing in his weight gain and docs are concerned about it, I bring him in for weekly weight checks b/c of it. I have been told several times to go to formula but like you I have issues with it. When I produce less than what Nolan needs, I feel like I am not good enough for him as a mother, and it's a terrible feeling. I have tried to explain this to other people and no one truly understands, and I do know exactly how you are feeling at this moment. (do you shake the pump parts for every last drop like I do??) I can't offer any true advice to you that you haven't heard before. Breastfeeding is such a wonderful, complicated issue. I often feel like I created life- but can't sustain it? It's a very very hard issue to come to terms with. Like you I am very pro-breastfeeding and have set myself up to think it's breastfeeding or bust.
Please know you are not alone in your feelings! Thanks for being so honest about your issues with breastfeeding, it puts my mind at ease to know I'm not the only one. :)
Miss Eva is GORGEOUS!!!!!
Oh Martha, thanks for sharing. Sounds like you've been through a lot. I am so sorry you are feeling bad. I too blame myself for some of the things that my babies have gone through. Honestly, without objectivity and real hard facts about what affects what, it is hard to know if that blame is ever warranted. But the fact is that we do the best we can at any given time. And even when our best ain't great, let's remember that we are human and can't live ideally all the time.
Eva is so cute and seems really happy. She sounds advanced in her milestones and well-adjusted. She seems to be doing wonderfully! It sounds like you are the one who is having the hard time because you had a dream that did not get fullfilled, and that is really difficult to cope with. Jesse has medical issues, and I certainly didn't dream of having a child who would be subjected to 2 MRIs and 5 ultrasounds by 9 mo.old. It is so very hard to give up a dream for reality, heartbreaking at times, wouldn't you say? And with the whole b-feeding thing, you're right about the pressure and judgement coming from other people. I hope with time that you will become one less critic you have to deal with.
I hope your feelings of loss of the b-feeding experience heal with time. Sending hugs your way.
I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. There is such tremendous pressure to breastfeeding. I thought breastfeeding was going to be a completely wonderful experience. Parts of it were but there were also a lot of tough times that people don't talk about. You are doing everything that you can for Miss Eva. Everyone's breastfeeding experience is different. It seems that people don't talk about the hard times with BF. I know that you don't want to stop or supplement but it doesn't mean that you love Eva any less if you do. Breastfeeding can be great but not if it causing anxiety, pain, and guilt. Mother's guilt can be brutal. You love Eva and Eva loves you. I hope you come to terms with everything. You are a great mom.
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